Homer J. Simpson Speaks The Truth

Words of wisdom, quotes of quality from Homer

• A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.
• Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will.
• Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me!
• Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
• All life's answers are on TV.
• Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.
• Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants.
• Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.
• And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
• And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
• Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.
• Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.
• BARNEY: Hey, Homer; you're late for English!
  
  HOMER: Pffft, English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
• BART: Dad, I've got some bad news.
  
  HOMER: Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she?
• BART: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about?
  
  HOMER: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways....
• BART: Dad, wake up. [Homer was sleeping at nuclear plant.]
  
  HOMER: I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family.
• BART: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
  
  HOMER: Because she stopped loving me.
  
  BART: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
  
  HOMER: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
• BART: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
  
  HOMER: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
• BART: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
  
  HOMER: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world!
• BART: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad, so other kids will like you better?
  
  HOMER: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
  
  BART: No.
  
  HOMER: Are you!
  
  BART: No!
  
  HOMER: Then run along, you little scamp!
• BART: These uniforms suck!
  
  MARGE: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
  
  HOMER: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
  
  MARGE: Homer! Watch your mouth!
  
  HOMER: Aw, I must go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [hangs up]
• BIG BROTHER REPRESENTATIVE: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
  
  HOMER'S BRAIN: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
  
  HOMER: Ummm...revenge?
  
  HOMER'S BRAIN: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step...slam).
• Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
• Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
• Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
• Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.
• Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
• Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
• Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!
• D'OH!
• Dear God, just give me one channel!
• Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch)
• Do I know what rhetorical means?
• Does whisky count as beer?
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight.
• Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
• Don't worry, MARGE. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
• Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do?
• Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean.
• Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.
• Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.
• Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!
• Forty seconds? But I want it now!
• GOD: Thou hast forsaken My Church!
  
  HOMER: Uh, kind-of... b-but...
  
  God: But what!
  
  HOMER: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
  
  GOD: [pause] Hmm... You've got a point there.
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.
• God bless those Pagans.
• Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!
• Good things does not end with "ium". They end with "mania" or "teria".
• HOMER's BRAIN: "Use reverse psychology."
  
  HOMER: "Oh, that sounds too complicated."
  
  HOMER's BRAIN: "Okay, don't use reverse psychology."
  
  HOMER: "Okay, I will!"
• HOMER: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
  
  MARGE: You didn't vote for anybody.
  
  HOMER: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
• HOMER: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
  
  HOMER's BRAIN: It's a deal!
• HOMER: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
  
  LISA: No
  
  HOMER: Ham?
  
  LISA: No
  
  HOMER: Pork chops?
  
  LISA: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
  
  HOMER: Heh heh heh...ooh...yeah...right, Lisa. A wonderful...magical animal.
• HOMER: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
  
  MARGE: How were you a political prisoner?
  
  HOMER: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
• HOMER: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home winemaking course and forgot how to drive?
  
  MARGE: That's because you were drunk!
  
  HOMER: And how!
• HOMER: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
  
  LISA: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
  
  HOMER: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
• HOMER: Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
  
  FLANDERS: Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.
  
• HOMER: Hmm... ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Oh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
  
  HOMER'S BRAIN: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
  
  HOMER: Explain how.
  
  HOMER'S BRAIN: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
• HOMER: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
  
  LISA: I just had a bad dream!
  
  HOMER: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
  
  LISA: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
  
  HOMER: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
  
  [HOMER runs into Bart's room]
  
  HOMER: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
  
  BART: Ahhhhhhh!

• HOMER: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
  
  MARGE: What kooky projects?
  
  HOMER: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.
• HOMER: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. You know why?
  
  Selma: No.
  
  Sideshow Bob: Go on.
  
  HOMER: Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap]
  
  MARGE: [smiles, takes his hand]
• HOMER: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
  
  LISA: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
  
  HOMER: No, that would make me a great father.
• HOMER: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
  
  MARGE: Good!
• HOMER: Marge, I'm bored.
  
  MARGE: Why don't you read something?
  
  HOMER: Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom.
• HOMER: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
  
  MARGE: You mean, a spoon?
  
  HOMER: Yeah, yeah!
• HOMER: Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
  
  MARGE: You're being ridiculous.
  
  HOMER: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.
• HOMER: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
  
  HOMER's Brain: It's a deal!
• HOMER: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
  
  Salesman: [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip]
  
  HOMER: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise?
  
  Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again]
  
  HOMER: [on his knees] I'll take it!
• HOMER: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
  
  MARGE: What's that?
  
  HOMER: [thinks] A dinosaur!
• HOMER: Well, here we are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly knit family can. Why, we're more than a...
  
  BART: Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
  
  HOMER: Oh. Oh, yeah.
• HOMER: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always wanting more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
  
  BART: Like what?
  
  HOMER: I'll tell you when you're older.
• HOMER: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
  
  BART: Dad, what's the point of this story?
  
  HOMER: I like stories.
• HOMER: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
  
  LISA: Really? Where?
  
  HOMER: Uh... Somewhere in the back.
• Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
• Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.
• Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
• I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.
• I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.
• I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
• I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.
• I hope I didn't brain my damage.
• I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please Superman help me!
• I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.
• I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.
• I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.
• I never ate an animal I didn't like.
• I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life:
  
  1. Cover for me.
  
  2. Oh, good idea, Boss!
  
  3. It was like that when I got here.
• I was at the pornography store. I was buying pornography.
• I'd say you're a lying scumbag.
• I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
• I'm not afraid to say the word racism, or the words doormat and bee stinger.
• I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.
• If I had a dollar for every time I heard "My God! He's covered in some sort of goo," I'd be a rich man.
• If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.
• If doctors are so right, why am I still alive?
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
• If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
• If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.
• If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
• If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.
• In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women....
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• Kids are like monkeys, only louder.
• Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
• Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're _both_ potential murderers.
• Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?
• LENNY: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
  
  HOMER: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
• LISA: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
  
  HOMER: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here LISA. You don't win friends with salad.
• LISA: Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?
  
  HOMER: Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom?
  
  BART: Oh, yeah, _that_ was _brilliant_!
  
  HOMER: That's right, we _all_ thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong: that alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
• LISA: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
  
  HOMER: Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you?
• LISA: Dad, we did something very bad!
  
  HOMER: Did you wreck the car?
  
  BART: No
  
  HOMER: Did you raise the dead?
  
  LISA: Yes
  
  HOMER: But the car's okay?
  
  BART & LISA: Uh-huh
  
  HOMER: All right then.
• LISA: Do you have any fruit?
  
  HOMER: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
• LISA: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
  
  Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
  
  HOMER: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
• LISA: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
  
  HOMER: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
  
  LISA: Sorry, Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do.
  
  BART: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
  
  HOMER: Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right!
• LISA: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
  MARGE: Well, honey, when I...
  
  HOMER: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
• LISA: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
  
  HOMER: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
  
  LISA: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
  
  HOMER: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
  
  LISA: Uh huh.
  
  HOMER: Remember, honey?
  
  LISA: Yeah.
  
  HOMER: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
• Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.
• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

• Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
• Lisa, two wrongs DO make a right.
• MARGE: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
  
  HOMER: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm.
• MARGE: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
  
  HOMER: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
  
  MARGE: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
  
  HOMER: Oh, now who's being naive?
• MARGE: HOMER, is this the way you pictured married life?
  
  HOMER: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
• MARGE: Homer, did you call the audience 'chicken?'
  
  HOMER: No! I swear on this bible!
  
  MARGE: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
  
  HOMER: Mmmmm...fuzzy.
• MARGE: Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
• MARGE: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
  
  HOMER: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God.
• MARGE: Homer, you're going to be famous!
  
  HOMER: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
  
  MARGE: Hmm, have you seen Bart?: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere.
• MARGE: I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!
  
  HOMER: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, goodnight.
• MARGE: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
  
  HOMER: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.
• MARGE: I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides.
  
  HOMER: Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides: so many memories.
• MARGE: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
  
  HOMER: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
• MARGE: It's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
  
  HOMER: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!
• MARGE: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
  
  LISA: The answers to deep theological questions.
  
  BART: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
  
  HOMER: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
  
  BART: Our teacher.
  
  HOMER: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
• MARGE: Mmm....
• MARGE: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
  
  HOMER: Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had this, it would show everybody! Show everybody!
• MARGE: This chair is $2 000! We could buy a whole living room set for that.
  
  HOMER: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
• MARGE: This should be a time... for communication.
  
  HOMER: That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV.
• MARGE: Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake!
  
  HOMER: You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed?
• Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
• Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different....
• Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
• Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
• Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this. [talking about his fatness]
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
• Marge, send the kids to the neighbours, I'm going to Moe's and coming back loaded.
• Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!
• Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
• Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
• Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,'you're making a scene.'
• Mmmm... beer.
• Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat....
• My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay.
• My favorite color is chocolate.
• Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.
• Never throw a butcher knife in anger.
• No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball.
• No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
• No! No-no-no-no-no no! [pause] Well, yes.
• Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
• Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
• OLD MAN: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
  
  HOMER: Ooo, that's bad.
  
  OLD MAN: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
  
  HOMER: That's good!
  
  OLD MAN: The frogurt is also cursed.
  
  HOMER: That's bad.
  
  OLD MAN: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
  
  HOMER: That's good!
  
  OLD MAN: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
  
  HOMER: ......
  
  OLD MAN: That's bad.
  
  HOMER: Can I go now?
• Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
• Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV is.
• Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
• Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
• Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
• Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
• Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
• Operator! Give me the number for 911?
• Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.
• Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
• SMITHERS: Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
  
  HOMER: I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.
• So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down]
• Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.
• Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
• Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
• Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
• Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'
• Stupid TV, be more funny!
• Stupid risks make life worth living.
• TO START PRESS ANY KEY.
  Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key]
• Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!
• Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for 10 minutes!
• The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else....
• The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.
• The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.
• The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry -- I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.
• The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there.
• The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
• The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
• There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis.
• There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.
• There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them -- starting with 8. I've always hated 8.
• There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.
• There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God....
• This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
• To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
• Trying is the first step towards failure.
• Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
• We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!
• Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
• Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
• Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?
• Well, you're to blame for not being here. So in a way, this is all your fault. Well, this is you mess and I'll be damned if I'm having anything to do with it.
• What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway?
• What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.
• When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
• When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.
• When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.
• When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.
• Why you little!
• Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T....
• Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
• You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.
• You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.
• You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
• You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
• You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
• You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
• You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.
• You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me -- it'll save you a lot of hassle.
• Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.

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